In the blink of an eye, countless days, weeks and months flew by. It has been eight months since I left my previous position at The Office (FPL, for those who know what I’m talking about), and many things have happened since then. I’ve run through a rollercoaster of emotions, at times feeling happy, at times feeling superior, even cocky, but most of the time, I felt quite down in the dumps and rather impotent.
Why? I would attribute it to the search for employment, I guess. After a short break plus my involvement in a big grassroots event (One Community Day) at the beginning of this year, I began my search for a new job in earnest. I was full of hope – my qualifications weren’t shabby, and I had a brief stint in a pretty big place. Off I went, targeting mostly civil service jobs and the occasional private one that interested me. The days went by, with no replies. Soon after, I started widening my scope to not just what I did in uni + my previous vocation, and lowered my salary expectations. I asked my contacts for help, as did my dad and mom, who most graciously supported me to the best of their abilities during this trying time. But still, nothing much came around. I did get called up for interviews, but failed them. It was then I realised I was lacking in this aspect. The stint at The Office turned back to bite me as prospective employers seemed to make negative judgements based on my length of service, and perhaps not so much the work I did.
My unemployed friends soon found employment one after another, leaving me alone. And then my other employed friends having those dream jobs posting about their exploits on social media – well those hit me pretty hard. The proverbial nail in the coffin hit me sometime last month, where I was simultaneously rejected from two government positions that I thought I was well-qualified for, with one of them being the workplace of my dreams. I was utterly crushed, and sent out resumes to random places in desperation. Living every day without knowing when the journey would end sapped the life out of me. Apart from my commitments to grassroots work, my freelance job assignments and my family and friends, there was nothing to fill me. As with my previous life posts, I dug myself deeper into the bubble I had created around myself, and tuned out the outside world, with regards especially to the current affairs I so liked to follow from before.
Well, to cut the long story short, one of my personal efforts finally clicked and I will be starting work next month. I’m not quite sure about this next job, mostly because… I’m not quite sure what I want anymore. All I know it, I must do something to survive, and grow my skills where I can. I definitely hope I can stay in this position more than twice as long as my first job, before taking stock of my life and trying to chart out where I would go next. I would expect though, that I’d return to cherish those short gaming sessions I always had when I returned home from The Office. Break time’s over, boy!
The big question now for me is really, “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, AND WHERE DO I WANT TO GO ON FROM HERE?” Of course, the heart is still empty, but it’s always been, right? Mmm, not too sure about that one. On my volunteering experience – I find it ironic that the more I think to extricate myself, the deeper I end up sinking into. What started as a way to pass time last year (right around the birth of Codex Omnibus), broadening my horizons and getting in touch with the various happenings on the ground, social issues, etc., has turned into quite a big commitment for me, relatively speaking (Disclaimer: Not as big as the amount of time and effort the senior volunteers have put in). I’ve had two events under my belt, and helped out at the Branch for more than one-and-a-half years now. I just agreed to be involved with one more event, and have been bestowed with greater responsibilities for that one (how terrible!). And only a few hours before this post, I also agreed to help out with something I never thought I would do. It’s related to politics, which runs against my principle of staying neutral, but I wanted to learn more about publicity, running a campaign, and responding to the myriad discussions in the public sphere… and this… is a platform that is going to be quite interesting, I think. Or perhaps one hell of a ride. I’m feeling uneasy about agreeing to do this, though it is in a role that doesn’t require me to be at the front. I hope I have the resolve to pull out of this one if the need arises – at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
Do I like helping out here, or do I just not like to reject others, and then do things out of obligation? I have no idea, you know. I mean, I do like the rush of happiness after each event is conducted and all, and regardless of allegiance, this is a rather valuable network… but I just keep sinking in deeper? I hope this latest commitment will be just that – a learning experience. I would rather not have to choose sides when the time comes, unless I am sure I firmly believe in the cause.
There’s all these concerns, and work too. The future awaits, indeed. S-steady as she goes?
Codex : Omnibus 